People in love make me want to vomit
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
