i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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