I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
