who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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