He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
