He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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