And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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