the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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