my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How external is "for external use only"?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
