Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
