Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize