My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
