and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I got chris browned last night
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
