Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
