well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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