I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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