Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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