Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
