Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
