dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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