someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
