Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
