it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
