First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
