Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
