Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
