that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
