Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
