God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize