On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
