gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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