is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
