I haven't been this sober since birth.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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