smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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