i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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