Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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