He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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