Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i out mim tonsoeep
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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