i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
