Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
