I am midnight drunk by noon
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
