Do you still have your period?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hippo gnu deer
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
