Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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