If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize