mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
COCAINE IS GR8
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
