You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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