And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
