I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Randomize
