I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
