I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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