Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
