Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
