Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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