so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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