I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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