we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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