All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
