Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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