my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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