On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
