the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
