The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
