You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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